You may not know me yet, but I know you. I've known about you for as long as I can remember. I've been told about you, whispered to about you, ignored by you, walked past by you, and attempted to confront you. I've witnessed others experience you but I, arguably your biggest fan, have yet to meet you.
I want you to know that this is something I will change. I can't explain to you why it's so important to me that we meet, it’s just something that’s been buried deep down. I can say that nothing will stop me from finding you. I've believed I would finally meet you; I've come within arm’s-reach of touching you; like a boy band fangirl, I've felt excited in your mere presence. Yet I'm still short of you learning my name. I know there is a lot involved in getting to spend time with you. You are cruel, fickle, ever judging. You can be hard, ignorant, humourless, cold, and selfish. You require that of a jealous, and controlling lover incapable of sharing. Controlling and manipulative at the worst of times. When I do finally spend time with you, however, and know that I will, I realise that moment may not even last... It may be as fleeting as the countless dreams I've had about you. Yet knowing this, I could still think of nothing else I want more.
Even as a child I spent sleepless nights conceptualising you, wishing of you, thinking what it would be like to look you in the eye. The sights, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. What would it all be like, who would it remind me of, where would I finally find you? In all these thoughts, I still cannot tell you exactly how it will feel. You are something all of us; every single one of 7 billion people have tried to find in some way. The holy grail of life's quest, searching in the darkest forests and deepest caves, yet for me it’s to no avail. To me, this separates the true fans from the fake. The real from the pretenders. Where they have diminished their search and given up. Felt nothing but despair and neglect, my search only grows hungrier. My energy becomes more intense and my purpose even clearer. There are no exact words to describe how badly I want to experience meeting you, but I know the words will come when I finally do.
It's a strange idea to some, to spend your whole life in search of something you don't even know exists, or how to even describe. Yet, I have heard 100's of stories. People talking about you in different ways, expressing with different opinions, and their own beliefs of you. You've given so much to so many, yet so many have missed out. Many have wasted their entire life in pursuit of you thinking they knew exactly where to look or what to do to find you. You ask, "Why am I any different to them? Why will my pursuit not end in tragedy or heartache? Why should you validate my quest?" I believe it's because I know something they do not.
Finding you is not the point. finding you is not the sole purpose of the mission. There's something more to this. Something deeper, and more transient than that. The idea of finding you is as arousing and exciting as it's ever been to me, but I've learnt something else... Finding myself along the way is the way to finding you. When we chase after you in ways that sell ourselves short or cost us our values, you seem to disappear. Some would sell their soul to meet you in the fastest way possible, only for them to realise how unsatisfying it was to get there. What I have since discovered is; the greater the journey we have, the greater the purpose for meeting you, the more I seem to find myself in pursuit of you... The sweeter that first encounter inevitably becomes.
I used to think I knew exactly how I would go about finding you, that nothing else would get me there, and this was the only way. Then life tested me, asked me how sure I was that I wanted you, and how badly I wanted to hold you. By throwing those plans out the window. It was a test that perhaps many have gone through to discover you but failed on the important part here. The discovery of themselves. It's easy to say we are fans of your work and how badly we want you. Until that first test comes, and like a lazy child we throw in the towel when it gets a little hard. I, however, relish in that challenge, I ask you for more. You are yet to break me or dismiss me. I beg you to test me, and challenge my commitment to you. See just how sure I am of myself, and my reasoning for wanting to find you. I think you will find that resilience is in my nature, and determination is in my eyes. This isn't just an interest for me, it's everything. The countless times I've been stepped on, and laughed at; broken down, beaten, and humiliated. All in the name of having you. Yet it's never once managed to stop me.
I don't believe I'm owed the right to meet you, I doubt you'll even consider this address. What I do want you to know though, is that the choice is not yours. You have no say in this matter on whether we finally get to meet, I have made that decision for you. I decided a long time ago that nothing will stop me from walking up to your doorstep, and kicking the bastard in. You can say others have tried this, you can say people have walked the same road I walk, and still fell short. I promise you this though, not one of them is me, and I take what I want.
I would really like to thank you. You've given me more than I could have ever hoped for. I've become more in pursuit of you than anything I knew I could be. I have learnt patience, gratitude and self-belief. I've pushed my mind, and my body more than I ever knew I could. It's in pursuit of you actually that I'm still here. I've overcome battles that I dare not mention to still be here chasing you. It showed me I don't just get handed things, I earn them. I work for them, and I sacrifice for them, and I will risk sacrificing everything I have to make you know my name.
So take your time, enjoy the company of others. Give to many what you've yet to give to me, just know that when the time comes I will take what's mine. I will make sure you know who I am, and we will spoil at that moment until the last days have gone.
But for now, I will be patient, I will work, and I will wait until that day comes we shake hands, and I can say... I've found my success.